Friends Don't Let Friends Blog When Off Of Their Meds
Author's Note: If you are not interested in something totally off topic regarding to the darkness of a man's soul, you may want to skip this post.
As many of you likely realized I haven't posted in several months now. And for this I am deeply sorry. Not only did we have a couple of major holidays in that span, with all that it entails, but I have been through a rather difficult time personally. For those who don't know, I suffer from depression. After several years of being on medications to attempt to control it, I ran into a period where I was unable to get my medications due to financial concerns for nearly two months. While there are those who would argue I am not a nice person ever, I am most certainly not a particularly nice person when I am off my meds. I can be downright viscous and cruel, often without provocation or instigation. It's a rage built off of self-pity and guilt. It's very destructive. I have, over the years, lost many very good friends by attacking them mercilessly when they only tried to help me due to this issue.
So when this happened back in October, I was working on an article about BlizzCon, which thanks to a guild mate and friend in World of Warcraft I was able to watch (Thanks, Sav) However, as I was writing it, I realized just how brutal I was in the tone attacking people I didn't even know, whom I felt had "betrayed" a game I myself have had a mixed relationship with in recent years. I realized in proofing it, that there was no way I could post this thing. And as time moved on, my window to post the article and it being timely passed. Now there are a number of other very good recaps and though provoking insights on what the next expansion brings. It would have been nice to have that on my resume, to be on the cutting edge for a change. But alas, due to my condition, it was not to be.
Those of you who know me from other games, likely haven't seen much of me in recent months. And again, I am sorry for this. I have hid in WoW like a hermit, clinging to those people I have known for years who I trust myself to be around in this state. Even there was friction, but less than would have been in a game where I have less history with the people around me.
For every extroverted and gregarious moment I have shared with others over the years, there is an equally dark and secretive side to me, which only comes out when I am deeply down in a dark chasm of my mind's own making. When I am in that place, few have had the fortitude or desire to stick with me. I don't blame them at all. I hate that person, that doppelganger that appears from time to time.
While I am back on my meds now, I know that until I can find a way to control that beast, there will be other times like this last one. Periods where those few people I trust to be true friends, will keep me from posting for the sake of my readers. For those who have, either directly or indirectly helped in that regard, I thank you.
------------Procyon
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